The Hidden Cost of Not Having Boundaries
You tell yourself you’re just being considerate. That you’re easygoing. That it’s not worth making a fuss.
But deep down, there’s that familiar sting. The resentment, the exhaustion, the quiet ache of being overlooked.
How many times have you said yes when you meant no? Swallowed your feelings to keep the peace? Ignored your own needs because you didn’t want to upset someone else? Or felt violated because you ended up sharing more than you wanted to give?
This is the hidden cost of not having boundaries. And more often than not, it has nothing to do with how others treat you, and everything to do with how you see yourself.
Boundaries and Self-Worth: Two Sides of the Same Coin
In therapy, I often work with clients struggling to set boundaries. They want to say no, they want to ask for what they need, they want to stop over-extending themselves. But they can’t. And when we dig into why, it almost always comes down to self-worth.
Boundaries are not about control or pushing people away. They are about emotional wellbeing. They define what feels safe for us and what does not. When we believe we are worthy of respect, care, and consideration, we set boundaries without guilt. When we don’t, we let things slide. We overcompensate. We let our fear of disappointing others override our own needs.
And here’s the paradox: if you wait until you feel worthy to set boundaries, you will never set them.
Self-worth is not something you wake up with one day; it is something you build. And one of the fastest ways to build it is to start honouring yourself by putting boundaries in place before you feel worthy.
Why We Struggle to Set Boundaries
If you have a history of trauma—especially relational trauma—boundaries can feel foreign, even dangerous. If, as a child, your needs were dismissed, if love was conditional on compliance, or if asserting yourself led to rejection, your nervous system learned that safety meant being agreeable.
For those with a fawn trauma response, setting boundaries can feel like a betrayal. Your survival once depended on pleasing others. Saying no, taking up space, being inconvenient – all might trigger a deep fear of abandonment.
That’s why so many people associate boundaries with guilt. If you have spent years being “the nice one,” “the reliable one,” “the easygoing one,” the idea of changing that script is terrifying. You worry that people will think you are selfish. Difficult. Unkind.
But here’s the truth: healthy people respect boundaries. It is usually only those who benefited from your lack of them who will object.
How to Set Boundaries When You Don’t Feel Worthy
Waiting to feel worthy will keep you stuck. Instead, set boundaries as if you already believe in your worth—and let your brain catch up later.
1. Boundaries as an Act of Self-Respect
Your boundaries don’t have to be justified to anyone. They don’t require an essay-length explanation. “No” is a full sentence. Setting boundaries is not about controlling others; it is about honouring yourself.
2. Expect Discomfort (and Do It Anyway)
Setting boundaries will feel awkward at first. You might feel guilty. You might worry you are being too harsh. That’s normal. But discomfort is not a sign you’re doing something wrong; it is a sign you are doing something different.
3. Use Needs and Values as a Guide
If you are unsure what boundaries you need, start by identifying your core values. What do you need for your emotional wellbeing? For your sense of self? For your peace of mind? Start there.
4. Reframe Guilt as Growth
That guilt you feel? It’s old programming. Thank it for trying to protect you, and then move forward anyway.
5. Start Small
You don’t have to begin with a life-changing confrontation. Start by saying no to something low-stakes. Pause before replying to a message instead of rushing to please. Express a preference instead of defaulting to what someone else wants. Every time you uphold a boundary, no matter how small, your self-worth is strengthened.
6. Experiment With Language
Not everyone feels comfortable with a blunt “No.” That’s okay. Try phrases that honour your boundaries while keeping communication open:
- “I’m not able to prioritise that today.”
- “I’d rather wait until I know for sure before I talk about it.”
- “I prefer to keep that private.”
- Or sometimes, simply say nothing. Silence is a boundary too.
7. Notice Who Respects Your Boundaries (and Who Doesn’t)
Healthy relationships thrive when you set boundaries. If someone reacts badly to you honouring your own needs, that’s valuable information – not a reason to back down.
When Others Struggle with Your Boundaries
If you have spent years putting everyone else first, some people may struggle when you stop. Not because they are bad people, but because they have come to expect your constant availability, flexibility, and self-sacrifice.
This can be especially tough in close relationships – partners, family, long-term friends. You changing means the dynamic changes. And change, even positive change, can feel unsettling.
So, how do you navigate this?
- Acknowledge the shift – It’s okay to say, “I know I used to say yes to this, but I’m trying to take better care of myself now.”
- Be consistent – If you waver, it sends the message that your boundaries are negotiable. Stand firm, even if it’s uncomfortable.
- Lead with kindness – Some people will adjust. Others won’t. That’s not your responsibility to manage.
At the end of the day, boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about making space for relationships that honour mutual respect and emotional wellbeing.
Healing the Root Cause
If setting boundaries feels impossible, it is not because you are weak; it is probably because there is deeper work to be done. Trauma, low self-worth, and people-pleasing tendencies don’t disappear overnight. But they can be worked through.
Therapy can help you process the experiences that made you believe your needs were less important than everyone else’s.
If boundaries feel like an impossible battle, you are not alone. This is the work we do with clients every day – helping them step out of the patterns that keep them stuck and into a life where they feel in control, confident, and at peace.
At Rachel Allan Consultancy, we specialise in helping people untangle the deep-rooted beliefs that stop them from setting boundaries and honouring their worth.
If you’re ready to stop waiting until you feel worthy – get in touch today.