We all have ways of dealing with life’s challenges. Often, the strategies we turn to were learned in moments when we needed to survive something difficult. These habits may have served us well at the time, but over the years, they can become automatic patterns that keep us stuck, limit our growth, and affect our relationships.
As a therapist, I often see people struggle with the same recurring coping mechanisms. Here are five of the most common, why they develop, and what you can do about them.
1. Trying to Control Everything
Do you struggle to let go or feel anxious when things don’t go according to plan? The urge to control every detail of your life often stems from past experiences where unpredictability felt threatening. For instance, if you grew up in an environment where things could change suddenly – and not always for the better – you may have learned to micromanage situations to avoid unpleasant surprises.
This coping strategy can manifest in various ways: overly planning every aspect of your day, double-checking and triple-checking tasks, or trying to manage other people’s behavior to ensure predictable outcomes. While this may create a temporary sense of safety, it often leads to exhaustion, strained relationships, and feelings of constant worry or frustration.
2. People-Pleasing
Are you always the one to accommodate others, even at the expense of your own needs? People-pleasing often develops as a way to avoid conflict or seek approval. For example, if you grew up in a household where criticism or rejection was common, you might have learned that the safest way to navigate relationships was by keeping everyone else happy.
Another common root of people-pleasing is feeling overly responsible for others. If you had to take on adult responsibilities as a child – whether that meant caring for siblings, mediating family conflicts, or comforting a struggling parent – you may have internalised the belief that it is your job to ensure others are okay. Similarly, if you feared that the adults in your life couldn’t cope or that you’d be punished for expressing your own needs, you may have learned to suppress your boundaries to keep the peace.
This behavior can show up as saying “yes” when you mean “no,” avoiding expressing your opinions for fear of rocking the boat, or taking on too much because you feel obligated to help. While it can temporarily reduce tension, this pattern often leads to burnout, resentment, and a loss of connection to your own needs and identity.
3. Avoidance
Avoidance can feel like a quick fix for uncomfortable situations. Maybe you delay having a tough conversation, avoid attending social events that feel overwhelming, or procrastinate on a project because the stakes feel too high. While avoidance reduces stress in the short term, it often creates bigger problems over time: unresolved conflicts, missed opportunities, or feelings of inadequacy as tasks pile up.
Avoidance often develops as a response to fear. For instance, if you’ve experienced harsh criticism or failure in the past, avoidance may have felt like the safest way to protect yourself. Unfortunately, it often leads to a cycle where the longer you avoid something, the more daunting it feels to face.
4. Perfectionism
Do you feel like you’re never quite meeting the mark, no matter how hard you try? Perfectionism often stems from environments where love or approval felt conditional on achievement. For example, you may have been praised primarily for good grades or criticized harshly for mistakes, leading to a belief that your worth is tied to success.
Perfectionism can show up as setting impossibly high standards, obsessing over small details, or avoiding tasks altogether because failure feels too risky. While striving for excellence can sometimes be motivating, perfectionism often leads to burnout, self-criticism, and difficulty enjoying accomplishments. It can also prevent you from taking risks or trying new things, keeping you stuck in a cycle of overwork and dissatisfaction.
5. Overthinking
Do you find yourself trapped in endless loops of “what if” scenarios or second-guessing every decision? Overthinking often develops as a way to manage uncertainty or anxiety. For instance, if you’ve been in situations where mistakes had significant consequences, you might have learned to analyse every possible outcome to protect yourself.
Overthinking can show up as replaying conversations in your head, worrying excessively about future events, or struggling to make decisions because you’re afraid of getting it wrong. While it can feel like you’re preparing for the worst, overthinking often leads to paralysis, self-doubt, and increased stress, making it harder to take action or enjoy the present moment.
How Therapy Can Help
Recognising these patterns is the first step toward change. Therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore the roots of these coping mechanisms and understand how they have shaped your life. A therapist can help you:
- Identify Triggers: Pinpoint the situations or emotions that activate these behaviours.
- Discover Origins: Look at parts of your life history and understand why you have come to reply on certain modes of coping.
- Develop Healthier Coping Strategies: Learn practical tools and techniques to manage stress, set boundaries, and navigate challenges more effectively.
- Reframe Limiting Beliefs: Challenge the thought patterns that keep you stuck, like “I have to be perfect to be loved” or “If I don’t control everything, everything will fall apart.”
- Build Self-Compassion: Shift from self-criticism to self-kindness, giving yourself permission to make mistakes and grow. This tends to follow building an understanding of why patterns developed in the first place.
- Break the Cycle: Practice manageable changes that lead to big shifts over time, like establishing meaningful boundaries, facing a fear with curiosity, or embracing acceptance over perfection.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Therapy offers a unique opportunity to rewrite the patterns that no longer serve you and create a life where you feel free, confident, and in control—not of everything, but of what truly matters.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Rachel Allan Consultancy is here to support you. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
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