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By Thomas Albohm
Mar 19, 2021

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Dr Rachel M Allan
16 hours ago
Dr Rachel M Allan

Why reassurance and praise makes you feel worse instead of better…

Do you ever cringe and tighten when you receive praise, when others seem to expect you to light up?
Why are you being so modest?
But it’s not modesty; it is something deeper and a bit harder to explain.

When a child grows up without enough experience of being emotionally seen, validated, and genuinely delighted in, an internal organising belief begins to form around worth. Over time, shame becomes paired with that belief. And you become stuck with the ever-present sense that something essential is missing or insufficient.

That belief and feeling gets activated in adulthood in moments of attention. In adulthood, praise can reach straight into the original unmet need, awakening both longing and discomfort at the same time. The nervous system recognises that this need was shaped in a context where safety depended on attunement and consistency, and where affirmation alone could never fully substitute what was missing.

This is why praise can feel almost unbearable rather than soothing. It stirs the part that learned to associate being seen with risk, to anticipate judgement alongside attention, and to stay alert for withdrawal even in moments of warmth.

When this response is understood in that context, the task shifts away from “learning to take a compliment” and towards offering steadiness to the part that learned to stay guarded in moments of connection.

That happens through allowing experiences that allow safety and recognition to coexist over time.

If this resonates, you are experiencing something patterned and human.

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